At the risk of sounding like a pint half empty kinda guy I have just realised our World Cup chances have gone from being the joint favourites with Brazil  to being just in front of Trinidad and Tobago of getting out of our group.

In his infinite wisdom Sven has opted to pick Theo Walcott, a striker who is yet to grow any facial hair let alone play a minute of competitive football in the Premiership.  Owen has missed the last 3 months and didn't play at the weekend.  Rooney has more chance of brokering peace in the West Bank then being fit for any part of the competition. Darren Bent who is the top English goal scorer in the league is not even on the stand by list.  Our supposedly main striker Peter Crouch does not even register in the top 30 scorers in the Premier League but fortuneatley he is able to retrieve his mishits shots himself from the roof of the Kop.

We may have a top quality defence and midfield but we are not going to get anywhere without scoring. 

I'm very depressed.

Anyone have any answers?

This is the amazing scene that greeted me this morning upon looking out acroos the vast savannah that is now all that is left of Brighton's Royal Pavillion parks.

It is only now I undertand the true nature of the curent hosepipe ban.

Lowest form of wit I know but I'm of course being deeply sarcastic.

On my travels I have found that the average Brit has a peculiarly misguided sense of pride at being the best in the world. Be that having the best foot team (one trophy in their history), having the best army (massive soldier shortfall and the rest told what to do by Bush) or having the best industry (now overtaken in a major way by the far eastern revolution).

We are one of the richest countries in the world yet we have a huge homeless problem in the U.K, an NHS system where wait months for serious opertaion and end up sicker then when you went in and we have trains that are halted in their tracks by incorrect leaves falling thoughtlessly in front of them.

It isn't quite Utopia.

However it's the hose pipe ban that shows us up as the second rate nation we are.  Did you know we are in the middle of a drought?  It wasn't the first thing that came to mind when I got wet in the carpark today or the day before as I was cycling home or the Sunday before that when I was playing football.  Alll this in May.  The last time I looked May was considered a summer month.

Mark Shepherd, from independent environmental advisory company ADAS, would have us believe that  England is a "water-poor country".  F*cking hell!  If we are a water poor country how do supposedly backward countries like Spain, France and Italy manage to handle water needs for their residents plus the large amount of toursists that frequent their lands throughout the year.  How many outdoor swimming pools are dotted around England?  I would wager there are 100 times fewer then the amount our continental cousins have no problems filling.

Southern Water is to restrict the use of hosepipes and garden sprinklers in its north Sussex area within the next three weeks, parks and sports fields will not allowed water and they are applying for banning orders to prevent you from washing your car from a water taken out in buckets.  They are putting the squeegy mob out of business, the swines.

A cursorary glance and the Southern Water website shows that there are a couple ways solving the crisis.  Firstly desalination (hello there is a massive load of water which i think is called "the Sea" that I live next to and if you just manged to filter out the turds and the used condoms,  and if i was really thirsty, I might give a try) and secondly shipping it down from places like Manchester which has an amazing 567 days worth of rain a year. 

Both of these are dismissed as "using a lot of energy", in other words "we need to make a profit and despite charging you a flat fee for water use we are going to restrict you to showering once a month in communal showers with recycled water that has firstly been used by our executive management."

If you decide to flout the ban and you are shopped by your curtain twitching neighbours you are likely to face a fine of £1000 and a possible life sentence in the sex-offenders unit in Belmarsh where you will face communal showers this time with cell mate named Bubba  who will try and convince you that it is best to shower with a friend.

Quick look! That guy in accounts just split his cup of water on the desk and isn't licking it up. Please email us or phone our Customer Contact Centre on 0845 278 0845 so we can give them a right good kicking

As I promised IanB 6 thoroughly interesting facts about yours truly for all you nosey buggers out there

1. I have shook hands with both of my childhood heros: Gary Lineker and Terence Trent D'arby.  I can die a happy man.

2. I consider myslef as much spanish as english and iranian (thats 33.33% stat fans) as I lived in Benidorm for 5 years as a teen and got to hang around with beered up monkeys and some cool spaniards.  I am still baffled by our relocation back to this rain-soaked hell hole.

3.My dream is to visit every country in Latin america.  So far I have been to Mexico, Belize, Guatemala, Costa Rica, Panama, Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Paraguay and Uruguay.  One day I will be taken hostage and then can stay longer then a month.

4. I have a phsycological aversion to dinner parties. As James Brown said "I break out..in a cold sweat"

5. Music can move me to tears. Sometimes becasue of its emotional quality and sometimes because it reminds me of something upsetting.  Memorable tearjerkers are Stevie Wonder -You and I, T.T.D.-Holding On To You and appropriately Roy Orbison - Crying

6. I had football trials for England Universities and scored at Lilleshall the home of the England football team before they moved to Bisham Abbey.  I didn't get picked.

If you haven't been tagged yetver to you movie buff,  barfly and geepeemum

Got some great news the other day when my mate told me he was having a baby.  He wasn't literally having a baby, that would be hideous.

No he had been holding on to this nugget of information awaiting the results of the three month scan on his better half's tum.  The delay in spreading the joy was just so he could ensure the baby didn't have 3 legs or bat wings or anything wierd.

It does seem a little odd that he is having a baby seeing as he is as much as an overgrown child as I am.  His missus has obviously whipped him into shape when he is not in my company as she was actively encouraging this conception and somehow feels he would make a good father.  It is a risky strategy but it might just work.

Events like this do make me think that time is ticking on and my extended bachelors existence will have to end soon if I am to continue the V.I.P. bloodline.

Plus, if I had a kid I could inflict some torturous names on my little nipper that reflect his fathers abysmal tastes and the passing fads of the time.  Recent history has created council estates full of Kylies, Jasons and Brittanys. How long will we have to wait until we see a generation of Chicos, Shaynes or Big Phils. 

I truly believe a name can subtly affect many areas of your life.  I would say that having an usual name (I am one of those people) can make you feel slightly different from your average Joe.  Then again if you are inflicted from birth with a name that is both unusual and crap you are in for a life of misery.

Take Apple Martin, the erstwhile progeny of Chris "Coldplay" Martin.  Is she going to grow up despising her stupid hippy name or enbrace it by falling into a alternative lifestyle of her parents a la Peaches Geldof. A lifetime of drug abuse awaits.

Just for a bit of fun my friends and I had a brief brainstorming session on ridiculous names for my friends first child whose suname is Lelic.

For boys we had; Predator, Conan, Marvellous, Butch, Dutch, Bastardo, Plum and Potato

For girls we just had Potato. 

Potato Lelic, a beautiful princess who surely will be the bell of the ball.  The father will be so proud

Easter, the celebration of Jesus rolling the stone away and a chance for the rest of us to commemorate this joyous occasion by stuffing our faces with chocolate ( i wonder what the 5000 would have made of that).

Since Rev Blair is backing a chain of City academies who will be privately sponsored  by organisations with a religious bias who will teach the theory of bilblical creationism in science lessons, I am starting to worry about the direction the West is taking.  That other religious fool Bush is lauded for his religion in the U.S. but his behaviour has been far from Christian during his time in office. 

What amazes me is how can any sane person in 2006 can truly believe that the earth was created in 6 days out of dust and a couple of God's ribs.  I know belief in God is fundamentally an act of faith ( I mean he has't popped down in a while so most of his subjects have to take it as read that the big man is up there) but to blindly teach this rubbish as fact is beyond me.

In a 2001 Gallup poll on the origin and development of human beings a sample of about one thousand Americans were asked which statement came closest to their views on the origin and development of human beings. Of those polled, 45% chose "God created human beings pretty much in their present form at one time within the last 10,000 years or so", 37% chose "Human beings have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God guided this process", 12% chose "Human beings have developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life, but God had no part in this process".  The remainder (6%) said the preferred Coke to Pepsi.

A 2006 Mori-poll conducted for the BBC Horizon programme interviewed 2,112 adults aged 15+ in the United Kingdom.n  About 48% chose the 'evolution theory', which stated that human kind has developed over millions of years from less advanced forms of life and that God had no part in this process; about 17% chose the 'intelligent design theory'; which stated certain features of living things are best explained by the intervention of a supernatural being, e.g. God; about 22% chose the 'creationism theory', which stated that God created human kind pretty much in his/her present form at one time within the last 10 000 years.  The remaining 12% said they preffered Asda to Iceland.

Scientists opposed to the teaching of faith-based origins argue that science and religion are wholly separate realms, and that teaching creationism as science confuses students about the proper nature of science.  I agree.  I'm all for giving children the different religious options/ theories and allowing them to make their own minds up in later life about there religious inclinations.  I don't agree with teaching them creationism in a factual class.  It smacks of religious indoctrination.

That is not too say the evolutionary theory is perfect.  There are many holes in the science behind the thinking that natural selction has enabled us to evolve from the amoeba to the lumbering apes we are now.  For instance, fossil selection is too sporadic to show the small differences that have supposedly occured through the ages and no emergence of new species has been witnessed directly.  It is argued that radiometric (carbon) dating is not reliable enough on evidence that is over 60.000 years old, making determining the ages of certain remains a bit of a lottery  And the million dollar question: what (or who) caused the Big Bang in the first place.  This has never has never been adequately answered.

The is obviously a lot of research to be done and we may never know the origin of the species and how we ended up on this God-forsaken planet but at least there is reasoning and intelligent thinking behind the science.  The religious standpoint, in my view, is nothing more then a polyfiller for the gaps in human knowledge.

We all know that apes are more intelligent then humans anyway.  You don't see us slaving away behind a desk.  You humans will realise that evolution is not about building spaceships to the moon but making sure you have a good supply of Jamaican bananas and large harem of willing chimpesses. 

Chatting with my old man yesterday we started reminiscing about Benidorm where I spent some of my formative years.  We got on the topic of the potato game A.K.A. the 3 shell game.

He has just got back from 2 weeks over there and this curious practice still goes on.  If you are ever unlucky enough to have a weeks holiday in Benidorm you might see this scam with your very own eyes.

In a nutshell (ahem) there are a gang of gypsies that set up a game near one of the outdoor markets in the tourist dominated Levante area of the city.  What they do is upturn a big cardboard box in the middle of the pedestrianised street.  On top they have three hollowed out potatoes and a pea.  They move the pea from potato to potato and when he stops you can bet on which one it is under.

They have a little possee who are in on the act and extravagantly bet on the outcomes in order to generate interest from passersby.  Some times they win somethimes they lose.  The trick is to get you interested in the who-ha in order for them to get their hands on some real (your) money.  As the years have progressed  the operation has been oiled to military precision and they have even recruited some english looking henchmen to lessen the swarthiness in their ranks. Pity the fools as they approach the table like Kappa clad antelope at the watering hole.  Little do they know a greasy looking anaconda is hiding in the brackish water.

 Like most scams this is a game you will never win.  Over the years my dad and I have witnessed many tourists get fleeced of their pesetas/Euros.  They will stand behind you and usher you into the centre of the crowd whilst shouting "looky looky mucho dinero".  We have seen elderly people "encouraged" to bet the contents of their wallets whilst their new friends put a comforting arm around them.  Do we intervene and warn our fellow Brits? Does David Attenborough intervene when a cheetah is eyeing up some doe eyed impala? No, he doesn't.

About 15 years ago I used to go to school with one of the gypsy kids, Fernando, who was just a wee whippersnapper as he started his fledgling career in the potato game industry.  He was a peripheral figure on the lowest rung of the ladder: a mere look out (the police used to crack down on the games if they happened to stroll by).  Dad tells me he has risen to the rank of chief Potato Man i.e. he is the one who shuffles the potatoes about ( I guess this is the equivalent of the M.D. in the gypsy business world so fair play to him).  They regularly fleece elderly and/or drunken gringos for up to 250 euros a pop

For many years Dad has been fascinated about his game and how is it they manage to decieve the public on a regular basis.  It seems so easy to win.  A one in three chance of getting it right.  You can see the pea a split second before the potato comes down and he mixes them up.  What kind of strange voodoo enables to gypsies to make the pea disappear?  Are there magnets in the potatoes?  Can the pea be made invisible? 

Dad was even prepared to offer the gypsies a few Euros to teach him their age old secret.  He bottled out. No doubt they would rather die and take the mystery to their graves then squeal away their ancestors secrets for a few grubby notes.  Plus he doesn't have a pony tail. 

So with this is mind I felt compelled to end my Dad's frustration and turned to the gypsie's natural enemy: the internet.  You can check out what we found here:

the potato game

and if you feel like taking on the gypsy franchise perhaps in your local park or shopping centre you  might want to visit here:

earn money fast

My reasearch reveals disappointingly that the mystery is nothing more then the magicians favourite: "the sleight of hand".

Dad was unimpressed with this answer and he feels there is some dark power at work in the gypsy world. 

The search for truth continues..................